notes app; on frustration
on trying to fit seven days of relaxation in two days :)
Hujambo!
Sav here.
I’ll let you in on an admission.
There haven’t been many unique thoughts going through my head recently.
Just an underpinning, low-churning sensation of frustration.
Frustration because, for the last three months, I’ve just been tired.
What of? I couldn’t really tell you. I’m yet to single it out.
My current guesses are a growing negative sentiment towards the five-day work week (which happens after pretty much any holiday season) or feeling drowned inside an enormous mountain of life admin (lo and behold, nothing new).
All I’ve wanted, very delusionally, was one week away from work responsibilities to smash out everything I wanted/needed/got to do:
Fill out my Hobonichi Techo with notes, collages, pictures and drawings of the wonderful things that have happened to date
Immerse myself into a deep flow state of writing, gaining momentum for posts on Substack and exploring my thoughts through traditional, pen-to-paper journaling
Revitalise a sleep/wake schedule that encourages early morning fitness and a lovely morning/evening routine that heals the soul
And of course, to dig a hole into the molehill of life administration that I so incessantly complain about
This last week, I had the perfect opportunity to do exactly that.
To fold in the one-week break I so desperately needed.
The moment’s reprieve that would solve all my problems or at least give me time to resolve a majority of them.
However, instead of actually acting upon it — as I scrambled down the streets of Wynyard, sweating my ass off because I was in a jacket-during-non-jacket-weather which is often the time I make the most light-headed, irrational, inconclusive decisions…
I completely disregard my personal needs and end up with no break whatsoever.
The deed is done. I can’t do anything about it.
But FUCK ME is it frustrating.
And you know what I find annoying? I honestly shouldn’t, but I unabashedly do.
I could outsource a lot of my life admin if I wanted to. The thing I attribute a lot of my stress to.
I could get delivery from the supermarket which isn’t expensive whatsoever. I could order takeout, eye out leftover food court deals and snag fast food at midnight. Heck, if I really wanted to do, I could get a cleaning service of some kind — though, due to Australia’s excellent labour laws, that’s a service that would become incredibly expensive.
It’s what I cannot outsource.
And that is joy.
I cannot outsource joy.
Writing is a joy for me. I love the art of it, the science of it, the step-by-step process and jazz-like waltz of it. I consider it one of my dearest passions and at this stage, is a hobby I’d love to cultivate into a routine.
Filling my Hobonichi is a joy for me. I put great value in recordkeeping because it’s what helps me differentiate one day from the other, crystallising moments into memories, a necessary gratitude practice.
And while fitness isn’t a joy per se and is something that can be outsourced to a certain extent (see: hiring a personal trainer or signing up for a class), health is a key pillar to life and I have yet to discover how I can get someone else to diet/workout in my stead.
This last weekend, I made the mistake of trying to fit seven days of not productivity, but relaxation, into two days.
Which is a hilarious task to attempt.
Because in some unique, caffeine-induced, well-planned scenarios: you can in some ways fit seven days of work into two.
But how the hell does one fit seven days of relaxation into two?
It’s like trying to get eight hours of sleep in four hours.
It’s like being told to hurry up while waiting for the bus.
It’s like listening to music at 2x speed.
Sure, you can listen to more music per unit time - which makes sense for a podcast, educational video or lecture.
But for regular ass music for leisure? You must be some kind of psychopath.
Ah well, at least I got myself a fat annual leave payout.
What I’ve been reading recently:
Everyone’s lonely but no one can hang out by Amanda Litman 👪
Recently finished: At the Foot of the Cherry Tree by Alli Parker 🌸